REVIEW - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters [3D]

Writer/Director: Tommy Wirkola          Year: 2013

Producers: Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, Chris Henchy, Christoph Fisser, et al.

Studio: Gary Sanchez Productions            Distributors: Paramount and MGM

Stars: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Peter Stormare, Famke Janssen, Pihla Viitala

This film adaptation of the Brothers' Grimm famous fairytale is set in the all familiar German villages and spooky, dark woods only it takes place "many years later" and is revamped with sexy leather costumes, steampunk gadgets and automatic weaponry, and the main focus on the fun of full throttle combat and bloody carnage.

I entered with expectations of an average horror-action movie with the mean, rambunctious energy of the trailer. I walked away feeling robbed of my money - a strange feat for a movie, given this was a free ticket - and with the unmistakable aftertaste of cardboard in the back of my mouth. I also entered the cinema late. My friend and I scoured the darkness - one of the criticisms of 3D movies, apparently - for two empty seats at this advanced screening for some time. We crouched in the aisle - "but what about clear passages to the fire exits?" we thought like responsible young adults - and found terrible seats in the third row, then relocated to better seats up and to the far right. As the constancy of my critiques of Avatar (2009) and Les Miserables (2012) have demonstrated, poor seating is yet to impede my ability to, respectively, completely hate or love a movie. I believe the only scene I missed was a bite-size version of the original story of H&G - which I actually became very well-versed with as a child.

The epilogue to the original story (the film hereafter), unfolded swiftly with spectacular violence and insufficient development of its lead characters. This witch-hunting brother and sister are on a blind quest to somehow find and save 12 children from sacrificial slaughter by a zillion witches. They also face personal conflicts involving memories of their abandonment as children and whether to let the hot redhead help you and make love to you or to just give her the flick again.  Yet whatever the situation, little intellectual exercise or emotional pause is shown by the characters, and relationships between them seem to form in brushing and cling like Velcro. The dialogue is basic, expository and personifies no one. Momentum versus character development. It had to be a compromise, as is the case for many action blockbusters with "high-concept" scenes.  Slacken the pace to learn more about these terribly-written, dismally-realised characters? Even still, I remember praying for the experience to be over the minute I sat down for the second time. Talk about a Catch 22.

Modern integrations such as leather jackets and parkour stunts by witches slightly phased me but I don’t believe matters of personal taste should render a movie unwatchable. I don’t usually* pick on multi-accented casts and I can even accept the extreme physical injuries characters walk off. All this comes secondary to the actual story, which my criticism targets.

The plot, themes, characters and credibility of the world is the foundation of a film and until these are solidified in writing, I don’t think you can move onto casting, scouting, let alone shooting. Is it a contradiction to say this movie isn’t corny or cliche, just unimaginative? For all their lack of surprise, I think corny and cliche movies can still be engaging if not entertaining (think rom-coms). I simply mean: the troll’s name is Edward. “You get the children, I’ll get the heart,” to quote the arch-witch. Every magical or fantasy world term is self-explanatory or something you’ve heard before. Elements of “intrigue” and “mystery” unfold plain as day and what’s more, they have to be explained to the leads and us as an audience by Famke Janssen’s villainous witch. She even adds incidental thematic warmth to her long-winded narrative that “x did this to save y”.

I feel faintly embarrassed for Renner and Arterton who were roped into modelling and blinking and waking up over and over again and asking where they are under the guise it was “acting”. Not even the Messiah himself, Peter Stormare, could resurrect this film. His stubborn antagonist was a waste of the Svede's full and comprehensive power to act the menace. As for the 3D effects, I’m not a big advocate or commentator on the subject. I think it’s a neat trick but it certainly didn’t enhance this movie experience for me.

I felt so little in this movie, I can’t even hate it. I scathe ceaselessly but it honestly comes from an objective, open mind. I’m just pointedly aware this is the worst studio picture I’ve ever seen. I enjoy many fantasy genre movies and nerdlinger obsessions – just inject a little credibility, H&G, then maybe I’ll laugh at your swear-joke-rhetorical-questions. But don’t worry dear audiences, writer/director Tommy Wirkola has put in heaps sick kewl blood and machine guns and stuff coz that’s wat we really love!!!!

0/10

*Timeline (2003) starring Billy Connolly and Paul Walker as father and son respectively. In all fairness, it may have been the total lack of chemistry between the actors and their equally questionable performances skills - with due respect.