To quote Stephen Baldwin-
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| "The strangest thing...." |
I was suddenly hit with the most unexpected and overwhelming sense of worry, doom and futility. I was just about to reach for a pen and piece of paper – I wanted to write down some must-read/see books and movies to get my hands on from the library - and this flash of impermanence struck me when I looked and saw the many books, post its and bits of paper I usually record my thoughts on. Every now and again, I throw the papers out. I keep the books and will on occasion thumb through them and fuzzily recall the time I had written particular notes-to-self – where I was studying and working, what was making me stress and laugh, who was I seeing and hanging out with, what my attitudes were and what I hadn’t experienced yet. I love growing and learning and maturing-of-mind. But I also hate letting go.
I was listening to John Frusciante at the time I reached for the pen and paper and stopped suddenly, and I still am listening to his music now. This all happened mere minutes ago; I find it amusing that I’m recounting it like in a memoir and it all happened decades ago – as if it was an inconsequential part of an inconsequential day that has stayed with me for some reason; as if it made me wonder and reason profoundly at the time, then I forgot about it upon re-entering reality, and every few years I'd try to remember the instance and dizzy, worrying sensation whilst watching the sun rise over the waves at the beach. Anyway, I love living in the moment, particularly in my post-grad days where I float between jobs and read and watch movies as my purpose and future gradually unfold. That’s why it’s so sad and sentimental for me - moving on from a moment I enjoy so much. I tend to remove myself from situations I’m having the most fun in – reflecting and often spoiling the moment by announcing “these are the days we’ll cherish” or “this is a good time” or even simply “look at us”.
I get so damn nostalgic for the present! I’ll probably be a blubbering mess recalling these events in twenty or thirty years’ time. Then again, I don’t seem to remember much from things that happened ten or fifteen years ago. Never mind that my wee brain was still making sense of the world - I seem to remember lots of little things no one else can. However, I can't ever remember the main events, notable things; specifically, some riotous affairs and shenanigans my friends remember well. My friend Kirra, who I went through primary school with, amazes me with her memory and tales of how I was a conniving, lying little girl. Kirra has the best stories. She knows what everyone is doing and who they’re seeing currently. Anyway, John Frusciante’s music has ended and I’ve lost my sentimental touch and that ludicrous sensation of transience has long passed. I’m just going to write down those books and films I think I’d enjoy. I’ll probably watch the movies when my family has gone to bed and it can be my little secret hour and a half of education and enjoyment.
It really was the strangest thing. I didn't quite know moments like those existed. Looking back on the experience, I feel like a character from a J.D. Salinger or Virginia Woolf novel and I don't know if that's a comparison to feel merry about. The association is pretty cool and pretty devastating at the same time. They're the kinds of folk who do the quaintest things like go to flower shops, fall in love at first sight and order martinis - usually right before some dreadful fate or tragic accident. I hope I don't sound exclusively "deep" here. I know we all have moments of reflection, enlightenment and profundity - but do people have ones that render them paralysed? I was for a bit this time. No joke. I'm surprised I didn't yak afterward. I wonder if John Frusciante has had a moment like that. I feel like he would since his music seemed key in my "moment" and he's probably experienced a variety of states having been addicted to hard drugs for extended periods; states of homelessness and depravity being amongst them. Drugs are messed up, but man.... he's so great. XD
I get so damn nostalgic for the present! I’ll probably be a blubbering mess recalling these events in twenty or thirty years’ time. Then again, I don’t seem to remember much from things that happened ten or fifteen years ago. Never mind that my wee brain was still making sense of the world - I seem to remember lots of little things no one else can. However, I can't ever remember the main events, notable things; specifically, some riotous affairs and shenanigans my friends remember well. My friend Kirra, who I went through primary school with, amazes me with her memory and tales of how I was a conniving, lying little girl. Kirra has the best stories. She knows what everyone is doing and who they’re seeing currently. Anyway, John Frusciante’s music has ended and I’ve lost my sentimental touch and that ludicrous sensation of transience has long passed. I’m just going to write down those books and films I think I’d enjoy. I’ll probably watch the movies when my family has gone to bed and it can be my little secret hour and a half of education and enjoyment.
It really was the strangest thing. I didn't quite know moments like those existed. Looking back on the experience, I feel like a character from a J.D. Salinger or Virginia Woolf novel and I don't know if that's a comparison to feel merry about. The association is pretty cool and pretty devastating at the same time. They're the kinds of folk who do the quaintest things like go to flower shops, fall in love at first sight and order martinis - usually right before some dreadful fate or tragic accident. I hope I don't sound exclusively "deep" here. I know we all have moments of reflection, enlightenment and profundity - but do people have ones that render them paralysed? I was for a bit this time. No joke. I'm surprised I didn't yak afterward. I wonder if John Frusciante has had a moment like that. I feel like he would since his music seemed key in my "moment" and he's probably experienced a variety of states having been addicted to hard drugs for extended periods; states of homelessness and depravity being amongst them. Drugs are messed up, but man.... he's so great. XD
